:: Feature Story: Tonya Deputy

Name:

My Story:

My husband Kurt and I were lead to International Adoption after losing 2 children of our own. Mikenzie was stillborn in 2001 and Gracie died from complications with a rare thyroid disease in 2004. We were devastated and I have never felt so much pain in all my life. Despite what we had been through, we still longed to have a child together and so our journey to Kinley began. This adoption gave us some hope for our future and gave us something to smile about again. Finally, after almost 2 years, we were headed for China! I remember talking to my husband before we left about this thing called "attachment disorder" that I had heard about. I warned my husband that there was a good possibility that Kinley would bond with me and have nothing to do with him for a while. After all, this was the scenario I had read on the boards. I was trying to prepare him and let him know that if this happened, it wasn't anything that he was doing wrong, or that she didn't like him and that she would eventually come around. Little did I know I would need to heed my own advice.

"Gotcha Day" was an unforgettable day for us. We had waited so long to meet our daughter, I can't even describe the emotions I was feeling. Kinley was very thin and fragile but she was beautiful and I was so happy to finally have her in my arms, the wait was finally over. Over the next few days the bonding began. Kinley was very sick and fussy and wouldn't eat much but she still had such a cute personality despite what she had just been through. I can't imagine how scary it must have been for her leaving everything she knew to go with some strangers. During our stay in China Kinley slept in my bed at night. She would not let us hold her or rock her to sleep. She would fall asleep on the bed by herself. If we tried to hold her or rock her she would scream. This was so sad to me. I longed to hold her and cuddle with her but she didn't want any part of it. During the day we did lots of walking and Kurt carried her in the Snugglie everywhere we went. She loved this! A few days before we left, I noticed that she wanted Kurt to hold her all of the time. She certainly loved her daddy! I also started to notice that she didn't want to have much to do with me. I remember telling Kurt that my feelings were hurt because all of the pictures we were taking had him and Kinley in them. There were none of Kinley and I. So Kurt started making it a point to take more pictures, the problem was, she didn't want to take pictures with me. She cried every time I would take her. So the pictures I have with her, she is screaming. I remember crying alone in the restroom in our hotel room. This was the only privacy I had and I didn't want anyone to know how much I was hurting. Why didn't this child like me? When we went for our embassy appointment, we traveled together with our adoption group. I remember looking around the room seeing all of the new mommies and daddies playing with their babies and wondering if there was anyone who was feeling the same way I was. If there was, they sure didn't show it. Everyone looked so happy, but then again, so did I. I didn't dare let anyone know how I was feeling. The day we went to the airport to return home was a day I will never forget. Kurt had to stand in several lines to take care of paperwork and I had Kinley. As soon as we got to the airport she began to cry and didn't stop for 45 minutes. I did everything I knew to do and nothing was comforting. Everyone was staring at this American woman trying to console this Asian baby. They must have thought I was the worst mom in the world, as did I. I remember feeling the frustration and wondering to myself, what are we doing? Is it too late to back out of this?

When Kurt finished with the paperwork he walked towards me and I immediately handed Kinley over to him. I broke down in tears and said, I don't know if I can do this. The minute Kinley was in his arms, she stopped crying. This was the beginning of a very long road ahead for me. Even though we had only had her for 2 weeks, I felt like a complete failure. Why didn't she like me? I wanted her to love me the way she loved Kurt. I wanted her to love me as much as I loved her.

Over the next several weeks, the situation went from bad to worse.

Kurt had taken off 2 extra weeks after we returned home to help get Kinley adjusted. If he left the room, she screamed. If I tried to hold her, she screamed. If he fed her, she would eat. If I fed her she screamed. She ignored me and shunned me. I felt like she hated me. Did this child not know what I had been through to get her here? How could she treat me this way? I gave her my heart and soul and it meant nothing to her. There were so many emotions going on inside me. I was frustrated, angry, sad, and most of all I was afraid. What would come of this? I remember telling Kurt at one point that I just simply could not deal with this and I wanted out. I was afraid that my marriage was over and I had no idea what my future would hold. I didn't know how I was going to get out of this I just knew that the pain was too much to bear. The pain I was feeling was similar to the grief I experienced when I lost Mikenzie and Gracie. It was the same, in that I had so longed for this child to love and hold and that is not at all what I got. It was different, in that, I actually had her but she rejected me.

I had no one to talk to because who on earth would understand this? After all, everyone in our adoption group was posting messages online about how happy they were and how perfect things were. Why was this working out for them and not for me? What was I doing wrong? I pretended that everything was fine and put a smile on my face when we were out. Little did family and friends know that I was dying inside. I had met a lady online when we were in the process of adoption. She was also adopting from China. We continued to keep in touch after the adoption. One day she and I were chatting and I began to realize that I was not alone in this. She was also experiencing the same problems. Her daughter had also bonded with her husband and had nothing to do with her. I don't know if she realizes how much she helped me during that time. I began talking to another lady in our group that was experiencing similar problems. I began to realize that this is much more common that I thought. Talking to these women helped me to realize that this was not me. This didn't happen because I was a bad person or a bad mom. This wasn't about ME at all! This was about Kinley!

I began to research attachment disorder and post traumatic stress disorder.

I can't even begin to tell you how bad I felt once I started to understand theses disorders. I felt guilty for ever wanting out of this. Kinley needed me more than I realized just as I needed her. I was not about to give up on her. There is no way I could possibly understand what she must be feeling or going through, but once I started to understand the disorder better and stopped blaming myself, our relationship began to grow. I spent every waking moment trying to bond with her but I also respected her space and tried not to push too hard and let her come around in her own time. It has been a little over a year now since we returned from China and I can finally say that things are so much better. Kinley has days where she wants her daddy and days where she only wants her mommy. We still have our good days and bad, just as all parents do. I do not pretend that things are perfect, but Kinley has brought so much joy into our hearts and our lives. She has brought many smiles to the people around her. What a blessing!

If you are considering adoption, please research issues with abandoned and institutionalized children. You hear all of the time that, "all these children need is love and they will be fine." The truth is, love is not always enough. You must be aware and prepare yourself for the issues that come with abandoned and institutionalized children. You can't possibly help them if you don't understand why they are behaving the way they are. Because I have never been abandoned I can not even begin to fully understand what this must feel like but I can do all that I can to make sure that I have the resources and support to help Kinley through the trying times. I also feel it is important for adoptive families to form support groups to turn to one another with issues they are having with their adopted children. It seems that this is not something that is talked about much in the adoption community. Please don't be afraid to communicate and tell your story. This will ensure that other adoptive parents having the same issues do not feel that they are alone. Let's all work together and support one another so we can enjoy these wonderful blessings we have been given.

:: Featured Stories Archive

• Deputy, Tonya - Adoptive mother of abandoned baby
• Pearson, Linda - Abandoned Individual and Adoptee
• Reed, Sheryl - Abandoned Individual and Adoptee
• Scoville, Mike - Abandoned Individual and Adoptee