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Correct Adoption Terminology
Posted On : 2008-11-30 10:01:28
Category : Common Issues

 

I’ve come across something that reminded me of the great importance of using correct adoption terminology. For those of you that don’t know, here’s a lesson or two:

For starters, my parents are my parents. Jerrilyn and Gordon who adopted me are my parents. Not adoptive parents. Not other parents. Not second parents. Not parents who “saved” me. Not parents who gave me a life. Leave out the drama please. The people who raised me and brought me up are in fact my parents. You mention “real” parents, well that is who they are too.

Biological parents are the people who created my life. They are not my real parents, they did not raise me. They could also be referred to as birth parent. They are not referred to as the people who gave me away – or gave me a better life. They are not referred to as estranged parents.

For myself, my parents don’t call me their adoptive child. They call me their child, period.

It can be harmful and disrespectful when these words are not used properly and when ignorant comments are used so easily and flippantly.

 


Waiting To Be Found...
Posted On : 2008-11-29 16:44:32
Category : My Life

(My son Harrison in 2002).

 

I have realized today that I have spent 13 years searching for my biological parents.

The Christmas season brings out these thoughts and emotions towards my lack of biological connection. I’m not trying to be a downer per se, but  I do find myself reminded often at this time of year.
 
I have been on this elusive search since I was 18  and it is starting to wear on me. I am starting to feel more pessimistic of a positive outcome yet numb at the idea of accepting it. It’s a wonder that this has disappointed me for 13 years and I am still disappointed. You think I would learn by now….right? Well, I can’t sit back here and claim I am queen of optimism, because I am not. I suppose I am and will always be hopeful.

In my primal thoughts, I am curious if my biological mother and father (if father knows of me) think of me more at Christmas time. I am also curious to know if they have seen “our” story in the papers and magazines. I think they probably have, but too scared to come forward and simply want to forget about their wrong doings. Perhaps they just want to move on. Problem is, I don’t want to – but one day I may have no choice.
Hmmm...another 13 years of searching doesn't seem very appealing right now.

It hurts knowing that all they need to do is google abandoned baby Prince Rupert and then they'll be a phone call away...


 


Baby Mariah Verle Stevens
Posted On : 2008-11-26 11:16:26
Category : News

Recently, in Federal Way, Washington a 22 year old woman abandoned her baby on a church doorstep.

She turned herself in the next day with these remarks:

"I mean, I didn't realize it was dangerous, the area and everything, and it wasn't ideal leaving it at a church at night, but I really know that somebody can take way better care of her and give her a better life than I can."

It’s obvious from reading the article that this mother was in distress. No one knew of this pregnancy and she truly felt that the church doorstep was the best place. Now the King County prosecutor's office will determine whether to charge the woman with second-degree child abandonment.

The biological father Clark Stevens has stepped in and stepped up. He is providing his daughter with a loving and caring home.

When these babies are abandoned, found and thrown in the public light, I do get asked for my opinion. In some fashion, I am expected to react wildly with some form of distaste or anger towards the birth mother. Then, many people tell me how “lucky” I am. They tell me that I must have had a better life since my adoption, than to have stayed with such a horrible woman who abandons her baby.

I will set the record straight here. I don’t have angst or distaste towards these birth mothers. I feel sympathy for them. Not only am I an abandoned baby, but I am a mother, and oh my – I couldn’t even imagine letting go of my children after they were born. For a woman to abandon her child is a person in severe crisis. It is person who needs intense psychological help. And not just help for the moment, but for the years to come. It is a person who was pregnant, needed support, advice and was alone. Do you know the saying “don’t judge until you’ve walked in my shoes?”…well….the same applies.

The main issue with this scenario is that a vulnerable, pure and innocent life is affected forever – and of course the families involved. I’d advise you take your pent up emotions towards these “horrible” birthmothers and direct it in a positive light – towards the survivors. In this instance, if you’d like to support sweet Mariah, you can do so at this site: www.miraclemariah.com

 


Remembering, Repeating And Working Through
Posted On : 2008-11-22 18:46:26
Category : My Life

 

Last night I dreamt that I was in a foreign country working in an orphanage, on yet another project.

I walked into the infant’s room, where I saw many babies lying side by side in a perfect row.

In my dream I had previously abandoned my own baby, and the guilt and emotions were resurfacing in this infant’s room. I looked at the line up and picked up the baby in the middle. As I held the baby girl, I studied her face, and cried. No, I wailed in uncontrollable tears. This baby had my face, my expression and it was also crying and reaching out. I was looking in a mirror. I was trying to soothe the crying baby, but was unsuccessful. Nothing I did worked. I woke up.

It’s amazing to realize that I am still, after 31 years in mourning of my own story. I am in mourning of my infant self and this trauma at such a vulnerable time in my life. It’s also realistic to know that I probably will mourn forever. I suppose the only thing that will help combat this is to remember, repeat and working through it by grabbing hold of this trauma. Like I always say, it’s always about acknowledgement and acceptance.

Later, reality hits and reminds me that I don’t in fact know what I look like as an infant. It also gives me the bitter reminder that the women who ran the orphanage has reneged on her many promises of searching through old boxes to locate my baby photos. I am seriously considering court action soon…

 

 


Cosmopolitan UK December Issue Is Out!
Posted On : 2008-11-18 11:00:07
Category : Interviews

Hello everyone!

I am excited to inform you that my story is out on newstands for the Cosmopolitan UK December issue in their Cosmo Inspirational Section!

Hope you enjoy the read!

Janet

 

 


Relationships, Family Ties And Modesty
Posted On : 2008-11-06 23:25:51
Category : Project Tunisia


Although I write about the Tunisian culture with hesitation and a foreign sense, I must say that there are many things that I like about the society. Not only do I like certain points of the culture, I also believe in this and wished that Canada could also be more modest.

I observed and learned that once a relationship and trust is built, they in some ways consider you family. Dropping in to say hello and expect to have dinner prepared for you is not an issue. It is welcomed and expected. Our society is usually structured tightly and. plans are made weeks ahead of time, a time is set, you arrive on time and don’t over stay your welcome, and you don’t expect it again anytime soon. In contrast, I think the way we socialize is restricting and limiting. If you develop a relationship with a high level of respect, they will invite you to their house to kill a goat and roast it in your honor. Apparently that is a huge compliment! Honestly, that concept creeps me out a bit, but I oversee that for the pure and simple act of generosity.

Regarding family and closeness. They are incredibly close. In close circles, everybody knows everyone’s business. I am sure many of you are screaming at this point, thinking of your ex mother in law poking her nose into everything, but some how this appeals to me. I like the idea of being open and honest and communicative. I would tend to think that they might have fewer problems because of this (perhaps more drama based on the subject).

One more point I’d like to draw attention to (which is my favorite) is the way they resist Western ideals and try to conserve their modesty. You don’t see half naked women on billboards. You don’t see wild ads all over town telling you buy Girls Gone Wild videos, pop Viagra, buy the best condoms for his pleasure and that you are fat and should loose weight – or wait, you are too skinny and should do yoga everyday and drink $10 protein shakes.

In Tunisia, many women believe in wearing a head scarf and clothing covering most of the body. I think some of them do this purely for religious reasons, but I also think many of them value this manner of dress, as they highly value their modesty. I think they are trying to shift the attention from their outer appearance to inner self. They don't want to be looked at or judged in an inappropriate or sexual manner. They don’t desire to show themselves off.

As much as I like this concept, I don’t desire to run out and where a head scarf everyday. At the risk of sounding shallow and quite immodest, I like my cosmetics, clothing and getting my hair done every month. I suppose in Canada, I know my image is for my survival and to my advantage as much as the Tunisian dress is working for the Tunisian women.

 

 


Reflecting On Tunisia
Posted On : 2008-10-28 16:18:28
Category : Project Tunisia

(Our Prime Minister Stephen Harper and Lorne Mayencourt with myself in the background).


I took this weekend to unwind, enjoy my family and appreciate living in Canada! And oh my! I do appreciate Canadian society!

Reflecting back on Tunisia, I do have mixed feelings. I do appreciate that Tunisia has become (arguably) the most socially advanced nation of the region and probably of the entire African continent. However, I can't say that I think its in good standing when it comes to the treatment of women and children.

Truthfully, I have very strong positive feelings towards the centres and the individuals I met and worked with, namely ActDev and the directors of the abandoned baby centres. I have very negative feelings towards the reason why these children are suffering and the society around them.

From an outsiders look, the Muslim culture and the way it impacts women and children is something I don’t think I could ever accept, or live in.

To see first hand the women and babies suffering as a result is something that turns my stomach every time. I won’t confirm or deny that their beliefs are wrong either (this is not a religious blog!) What truly matters is what this creates for society. In my opinion, it creates something negative and damaging for vulnerable citizens.

To read and hear of these stories is one thing, and then to meet the very people who are victimized is something completely different. To meet women who have been abused by strangers, fathers or other family, raped and then told they are sinful for becoming pregnant is disgusting. Then, for these babies to born and labeled as sinful is even more disgusting. That is hard for me to understand and accept. Of course the powers that be deny that this even happens. Courts regard domestic violence as a problem to be handled by the family. I still carry the memory of meeting two women at a centre who were cast out of their families as they were pregnant out of wedlock. And one of the women conceived by rape. We locked eyes for a few moments as she typically kept her head down (in shame or embarassment). I just wanted to grab her and hug her and tell her that she is good, she is valued and so is her baby.

While the Penal Code goes far in protecting women's rights, Muslim shari'a law practice however still provides for some discrimination, in particular regarding inheritance and family law. Shari'a provides that daughters receive only half the amount left to sons. Most property acquired during marriage, including property acquired solely by the wife, is held in the name of the husband. Muslim women are not permitted to marry outside their religion.

According to Tunisian tradition, a husband is considered the head of the family and the main provider. The law maintains that notion, but limits the man's previously absolute authority over the family. The wife had the right to spend money on the family, if she possessed it.

Faced with discrimination or domestic violence, many women remain silent out of respect for family traditions and fear of reprisals. Marital rapes have for example yet to be reported to Tunisian courts although they (of course) are to be treated as rape.

Also, I can’t ignore the fact that women don’t go outside at night, while the men are lining the streets. Educated women get married and then live a life of “domestic bliss” at the decision of a man because he wants her at home. All of this really gets to an independent woman like me!

I don’t want this to be a rant, or overly negative, but this is my internal struggle when I get asked time and time again “How was the project? Did you like Tunisia?”

 


Coming Home
Posted On : 2008-10-24 11:50:21
Category : Project Tunisia

Outside city of Nefta, Tunisia.

 

I spent two days in Rome (yes, lucky me) on the way back home.  I surely could not have stomached the 3 flights in a row like I did on the way here. The flight routing was through Rome and Toronto, so I felt Rome would be my best haven for a pit stop.

Let me tell you, 31 hours of constant travel is not a recommended thing (especially when you can’t sleep because of your neighbors), and I could not have done it after all of my efforts in Tunisia. Rome was of course beautiful, but honestly I didn’t get out much. I had yet to see the Vatican City, so I saw that / did that and got drenched in a huge rain storm! I retreated back to my hotel and felt like sleeping for a million years. I did have a nap, but only a few hours.

Later that night, I went out at night and strolled around; found myself at the Trevi Fountain, Pantheon, Colleseum, Roman Forum etc. It was very lovely, but my mind surely wasn’t there. In fact, a part of me wasn’t excited to be there. I missed home, and I was still emotionally reeling from Tunisia. I wasn’t really in the sightseeing mood (I didn’t even take many photos), but regardless I attended my Naples / Pompeii tour the next day.

I had a lovely lunch during the Pompeii tour with beautiful Australian couple. One question “why were you in Tunisia” prompted a whole conversation regarding orphaned children and my journey. It was very positive, but then the emotions came and tears flowed. It was a very touching moment, and rarely do I find a safe connection in my conversations with people regarding my story; I did find that in them, which was very helpful to my day and my strength.

Pompeii is a very beautiful sight (I am glad I did it), but after a whole day of that I didn’t even want to go out. I begged my hotel to order room service after it closed and they did indeed send dinner.

The next morning I was supposed to go out and walk around etc., but instead I slept in. I had no regrets on that one. I sure needed the sleep.

20 hours later I was in YVR, doing just what I should be: hugging my boys.

 

 

 


Bizerte Centre
Posted On : 2008-10-24 09:57:20
Category : Project Tunisia

 

A drive up North to the Bizerte Centre was lovely. The landscape is much more lush and green, compared to the Southern Desert.

The centre is located in the suburbs, up on a hill, overlooking the city of Bizerte.

It is a new centre, which brings an issue regarding community support. It is a traditional house, with just one floor. The babies play area is in the living room and there are beds out in the open in the adjoining space. They have many items, toys and clothing donated. In fact their cupboards are busting full of clothing. They are selling items (gifts donated that they don’t need) to pay their staff and rent. Rent is only $300 per month, and payroll is $1,250.00

Since they are so new, they are still ramping up community support. Although they may have a nicely outfitted centre, they don’t have enough money to cover payroll, rent and milk, which are the necessities of running a centre.

The babies looked well cared for (the staff were very loving and attentive), and interestingly enough, they all looked of mixed race.

The meeting went well, and it also included a nun (who is quite active in raising funds and support). She was quite vocal in our conversation and then it led up to my story, which followed tears. Now, making a nun cry is an overwhelming thing. Wow, words can’t even express that tender moment. The women asked me many questions about my life, my upbringing and how I feel towards my adoptive parents. They were quite curious as to how I feel as an adult today.

We talked about their needs in further detail, and realized that although they might have everything they need in terms of cribs, appliances etc., they have no money to pay their staff or their rent. I am pleased to let you know that we took the burden off this centre and boosting employee moral by paying 1 month’s wages for $1250.00

 


A Day Without Rain...
Posted On : 2008-10-18 12:41:32
Category : My Life

 

Sometimes I think that I put too much power into the negative emotions of my story surrounding my birth date. However, once I think that, I realize that I am diminishing the truth and not validating my pain and feelings towards my abandonment and biological disconnection.

The word forgiveness comes to mind lately. Not forgiveness to my biological parents; I have already walked through that…but forgiveness to give myself permission to walk passed this pain, and thus walking by my story and shelving it. I suppose I feel if I did that completely then I would feel guilty for turning my back or worrying that I was simply avoiding it.

So I wonder to myself; is there a balance? And will there ever be a balance on my birth date? By the end of this day, the emotions are running high. I am tired, I am weakened by each passing hour and truth be told, tired from avoiding anything emotional. It was easy to avoid. Nobody here knew it was my birth date, except some weird front desk guy at the hotel as they take a copy of your passport when you check in. I avoided this morning by sleeping in, eating breakfast late with an empty restaurant, and wrestling with my computer / Tunisian internet issues for 3 hours. I avoided by  lying on the beach with a book which I wasn’t particularly reading and easily distracted by the people nearby. I avoided by watching CNN over and over, jumping rope in my room (to substitute for jogging) and then going to dinner; walking through the new Medina and coming back at 10pm.

I believe in giving myself permission to grieve and surrender to these hollow depths of this day, but this year it feels different. I am in a transition of realizing that I should celebrate my birthday, but I am incredibly frightful and feel awkward at the true notion of doing it.
 
As I sat by the beach this afternoon, I wrote some notes to analyze my decision to be alone on this birth date (yes, what can I say - doing some self therapy), and I wrote; why celebrate my life? I could not fill it in. I could not think of one reason. So if I can’t learn from myself, then how about others?

And so I wrote; why do others celebrate? I listed four reasons why. Then I wrote, my goals for the day, which were very limited, including simply getting up and dressed.

What aspirations I foresaw for this day! Not exactly pushing the limits now, is it?

It’s apparent I need to study birthdays for dummies, but I also need much more before I take that leap. I need to decide once and for all if I can forgive myself and not feel guilty to celebrate the worst anniversary of my life. I'm also not looking for a pity party here, but just wanted to share my emotions and intimacy of this day.

It’s now the last few minutes of the 13th I am now sitting along in my room and listening to Enya, A day without Rain. Hmm, how fitting.


 
 


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