I have realized today that I have spent 13 years searching for my biological parents.

The Christmas season brings out these thoughts and emotions towards my lack of biological connection. I’m not trying to be a downer per se, but  I do find myself reminded often at this time of year.
 
I have been on this elusive search since I was 18  and it is starting to wear on me. I am starting to feel more pessimistic of a positive outcome yet numb at the idea of accepting it. It’s a wonder that this has disappointed me for 13 years and I am still disappointed. You think I would learn by now….right? Well, I can’t sit back here and claim I am queen of optimism, because I am not. I suppose I am and will always be hopeful.

In my primal thoughts, I am curious if my biological mother and father (if father knows of me) think of me more at Christmas time. I am also curious to know if they have seen “our” story in the papers and magazines. I think they probably have, but too scared to come forward and simply want to forget about their wrong doings. Perhaps they just want to move on. Problem is, I don’t want to – but one day I may have no choice. Hmmm...another 13 years of searching doesn't seem very appealing right now.

It hurts knowing that all they need to do is google abandoned baby Prince Rupert and then they'll be a phone call away...

Recently, in Federal Way, Washington a 22 year old woman abandoned her baby on a church doorstep.

She turned herself in the next day with these remarks:

"I mean, I didn't realize it was dangerous, the area and everything, and it wasn't ideal leaving it at a church at night, but I really know that somebody can take way better care of her and give her a better life than I can."

It’s obvious from reading the article that this mother was in distress. No one knew of this pregnancy and she truly felt that the church doorstep was the best place. Now the King County prosecutor's office will determine whether to charge the woman with second-degree child abandonment.

The biological father Clark Stevens has stepped in and stepped up. He is providing his daughter with a loving and caring home.

When these babies are abandoned, found and thrown in the public light, I do get asked for my opinion. In some fashion, I am expected to react wildly with some form of distaste or anger towards the birth mother. Then, many people tell me how “lucky” I am. They tell me that I must have had a better life since my adoption, than to have stayed with such a horrible woman who abandons her baby.

I will set the record straight here. I don’t have angst or distaste towards these birth mothers. I feel sympathy for them. Not only am I an abandoned baby, but I am a mother, and oh my – I couldn’t even imagine letting go of my children after they were born. For a woman to abandon her child is a person in severe crisis. It is person who needs intense psychological help. And not just help for the moment, but for the years to come. It is a person who was pregnant, needed support, advice and was alone. Do you know the saying “don’t judge until you’ve walked in my shoes?”…well….the same applies.

The main issue with this scenario is that a vulnerable, pure and innocent life is affected forever – and of course the families involved. I’d advise you take your pent up emotions towards these “horrible” birthmothers and direct it in a positive light – towards the survivors. In this instance, if you’d like to support sweet Mariah, you can do so at this site: www.miraclemariah.com

I took this weekend to unwind, enjoy my family and appreciate living in Canada! And oh my! I do appreciate Canadian society!

Reflecting back on Tunisia, I do have mixed feelings. I do appreciate that Tunisia has become (arguably) the most socially advanced nation of the region and probably of the entire African continent. However, I can't say that I think its in good standing when it comes to the treatment of women and children.

Truthfully, I have very strong positive feelings towards the centres and the individuals I met and worked with, namely ActDev and the directors of the abandoned baby centres. I have very negative feelings towards the reason why these children are suffering and the society around them.

From an outsiders look, the Muslim culture and the way it impacts women and children is something I don’t think I could ever accept, or live in.

To see first hand the women and babies suffering as a result is something that turns my stomach every time. I won’t confirm or deny that their beliefs are wrong either (this is not a religious blog!) What truly matters is what this creates for society. In my opinion, it creates something negative and damaging for vulnerable citizens.

To read and hear of these stories is one thing, and then to meet the very people who are victimized is something completely different. To meet women who have been abused by strangers, fathers or other family, raped and then told they are sinful for becoming pregnant is disgusting. Then, for these babies to born and labeled as sinful is even more disgusting. That is hard for me to understand and accept. Of course the powers that be deny that this even happens. Courts regard domestic violence as a problem to be handled by the family. I still carry the memory of meeting two women at a centre who were cast out of their families as they were pregnant out of wedlock. And one of the women conceived by rape. We locked eyes for a few moments as she typically kept her head down (in shame or embarassment). I just wanted to grab her and hug her and tell her that she is good, she is valued and so is her baby.

While the Penal Code goes far in protecting women's rights, Muslim shari'a law practice however still provides for some discrimination, in particular regarding inheritance and family law. Shari'a provides that daughters receive only half the amount left to sons. Most property acquired during marriage, including property acquired solely by the wife, is held in the name of the husband. Muslim women are not permitted to marry outside their religion.

According to Tunisian tradition, a husband is considered the head of the family and the main provider. The law maintains that notion, but limits the man's previously absolute authority over the family. The wife had the right to spend money on the family, if she possessed it.

Faced with discrimination or domestic violence, many women remain silent out of respect for family traditions and fear of reprisals. Marital rapes have for example yet to be reported to Tunisian courts although they (of course) are to be treated as rape.

Also, I can’t ignore the fact that women don’t go outside at night, while the men are lining the streets. Educated women get married and then live a life of “domestic bliss” at the decision of a man because he wants her at home. All of this really gets to an independent woman like me!

I don’t want this to be a rant, or overly negative, but this is my internal struggle when I get asked time and time again “How was the project? Did you like Tunisia?”

I spent two days in Rome (yes, lucky me) on the way back home.  I surely could not have stomached the 3 flights in a row like I did on the way here. The flight routing was through Rome and Toronto, so I felt Rome would be my best haven for a pit stop.

Let me tell you, 31 hours of constant travel is not a recommended thing (especially when you can’t sleep because of your neighbors), and I could not have done it after all of my efforts in Tunisia. Rome was of course beautiful, but honestly I didn’t get out much. I had yet to see the Vatican City, so I saw that / did that and got drenched in a huge rain storm! I retreated back to my hotel and felt like sleeping for a million years. I did have a nap, but only a few hours.

Later that night, I went out at night and strolled around; found myself at the Trevi Fountain, Pantheon, Colleseum, Roman Forum etc. It was very lovely, but my mind surely wasn’t there. In fact, a part of me wasn’t excited to be there. I missed home, and I was still emotionally reeling from Tunisia. I wasn’t really in the sightseeing mood (I didn’t even take many photos), but regardless I attended my Naples / Pompeii tour the next day.

I had a lovely lunch during the Pompeii tour with beautiful Australian couple. One question “why were you in Tunisia” prompted a whole conversation regarding orphaned children and my journey. It was very positive, but then the emotions came and tears flowed. It was a very touching moment, and rarely do I find a safe connection in my conversations with people regarding my story; I did find that in them, which was very helpful to my day and my strength.

Pompeii is a very beautiful sight (I am glad I did it), but after a whole day of that I didn’t even want to go out. I begged my hotel to order room service after it closed and they did indeed send dinner.

The next morning I was supposed to go out and walk around etc., but instead I slept in. I had no regrets on that one. I sure needed the sleep.

20 hours later I was in YVR, doing just what I should be: hugging my boys.

A drive up North to the Bizerte Centre was lovely. The landscape is much more lush and green, compared to the Southern Desert.

The centre is located in the suburbs, up on a hill, overlooking the city of Bizerte.

It is a new centre, which brings an issue regarding community support. It is a traditional house, with just one floor. The babies play area is in the living room and there are beds out in the open in the adjoining space. They have many items, toys and clothing donated. In fact their cupboards are busting full of clothing. They are selling items (gifts donated that they don’t need) to pay their staff and rent. Rent is only $300 per month, and payroll is $1,250.00

Since they are so new, they are still ramping up community support. Although they may have a nicely outfitted centre, they don’t have enough money to cover payroll, rent and milk, which are the necessities of running a centre.

The babies looked well cared for (the staff were very loving and attentive), and interestingly enough, they all looked of mixed race.

The meeting went well, and it also included a nun (who is quite active in raising funds and support). She was quite vocal in our conversation and then it led up to my story, which followed tears. Now, making a nun cry is an overwhelming thing. Wow, words can’t even express that tender moment. The women asked me many questions about my life, my upbringing and how I feel towards my adoptive parents. They were quite curious as to how I feel as an adult today.

We talked about their needs in further detail, and realized that although they might have everything they need in terms of cribs, appliances etc., they have no money to pay their staff or their rent. I am pleased to let you know that we took the burden off this centre and boosting employee moral by paying 1 month’s wages for $1250.00