:: Lilia's Diary

Please note: These opinions put forth by the contributor of "Lilia's Diary" do not necessarily reflect the views of the Keall Foundation.

INTRODUCTION

I’d like all of you to know my story and why I abandoned my son.  

What I am about to say may help you understand the possibility of what your birth parent (s) may have experienced.  Although it is not an excuse - it may however shed some light.

To begin, my parents came from Italy. They were good, hard working people. Our family grew up in the United States, and still didn’t desire anything as far as material things go.  Our home was large. It was extremely clean with fresh home cooked meals every day. At times I felt like we were spoiled. My dad was a landscaper and worked extremely hard.

Although that may seem rosy, behind closed doors it was anything but. My father had a bad temper and my mother never showed her love. It was a shaky foundation at best. All through my childhood, we were never good enough for my mother. Our home was physically and emotionally damaging each day. It was not a safe place. There was no peace. I lived in constant fear, shame and guilt.

When I was 12 years old, a close family member molested me. My mother called me a liar. Imagine the damage that did to me. She told us that we were all worthless human beings and that we would prove her right in the end.

My siblings and I never had a chance. None of us fared out well. My brother has been institutionalized for narcotics since he was 17. The other sibling married 3 times by the time she was 33. The last husband killed himself. In my opinion, it’s easy to assume that it was because of her ways. The same “ways” she learned from our mother. Lastly, my third sibling married a very difficult man and lives in a home more violent than our childhood.

You may be thinking at this point that my life couldn’t get any worse. Well, it did on the day I said good-bye to my son forever. The day I abandoned my son.

- Lilia

THE BIRTH OF SORROW AND LOSS

At the young age of 16, I found myself pregnant, scared and alone. I was living at home, but my mother never cared enough to notice. And if she did, I feared she would take our lives. I had no close friends or family to confide in. I had no one who cared enough for me to turn to. Instead I turned to my boyfriend. We promised to conquer this fearful time in our lives and one day marry.

Before we knew it, we were delivering our son alone. Just us two kids. Together, as mother and father we abandoned our son to a stranger so she could bring him to the hospital. We didn’t know what else to do.  We didn’t want to do this, but we had no choice. Imagine our fear…Imagine having no one you can trust to help you…. Imagine not having a parent you can turn to.

Today I still feel the loss, the shame and the guilt…I always will.

- Lilia

GRAPPLING WITH THE TRUTH

After that fateful, traumatic day, I was on a suicide mission. I convinced myself that I did not deserve to live and tried to kill myself many times. I did not deserve a happy and normal life. My parents watched this happen and never interfered. They never asked why. They never talked to me enough to truly know the truth.

As years passed, I continued to suffer. I continued the mourning of my choice and my son. A few years passed and I told my brother the truth. My brother told my mother, and still no response. It was the family’s dirty secret.

From that point, I simply existed for 33 years. For the past 33 years I lived a nightmare. I never allowed myself to enjoy my life. I never married. I never had another child. For 20 years, I physically grappled with an internal infection, and was frequently in and out of hospitals. I was told I had MS. I accepted this and believed it was my punishment for my sin. I gave my gift from God away.

- Lila

A NEW BEGINNING

In the last year, I decided to start living my life again. I sought out professional assistance for the first time. I had buried my emotions so deeply that it took many sessions with the therapist to undo the deep, deep layers of blockage. Now with the clarity of the pain, truth and acceptance of this trauma at the forefront, I decided to find my remedy…I decided to find my son.

- Lilia

MY SEARCH FOR ANSWERS

The search for my son was a difficult and stressful time, but I ready to meet my son again. The physical search was particularly hard due to misinformation of my son’s birth documents being purged. I was relentless and went through every agency I could find. I waited for weeks. My longing to find my son consumed me. One day I made a fateful call to a private eye. Within two weeks, he was found.

- Lilia

FACED WITH THE TRUTH

When I found my son, I was flying so high. I was so excited to make contact. I had reservations that he might not want to know me - but at the very least I wanted to see him and learn about his life. Did he have a good life that I had hoped for?

I met my friend who helped me through this search. She sat me down and explained that my son had taken his life several years ago. Once again, I was too late. I wasn’t there for him.

- Lilia

IN HONOR OF MY SON’S LIFE

My son died on a cold day in November of 1998.

I live with that everyday.

My family has a history of depression and my son’s adoptive sister thought he suffered from bi-polar disorder. I still feel the guilt, shame and pain. If only I had found him sooner – perhaps he would still be alive.

I learned about my son’s life and childhood. His adoptive mother and father loved him so. He grew up in a beautiful and well-balanced home with two sisters. He had many opportunities and lived a great life. It was a life I could never offer to him.

Regardless, he felt lost, sad and disconnected. He tried committing suicide, just like me. This separation was just too much for us…but I lived. It does not seem fair. My sisters say that my son was better off, but was he? Is a beautiful, peaceful home better than being with your biological mother and father? Sometimes, I agree, sometimes I disagree. In any case, my heart will always be broken. I will always doubt myself and I will always feel shame and guilt.

I will love my son forever.

- Lilia