I spoke with a pre-adoptive parent today who is 2 months away from gotcha day. It is their first child. One of my first questions for this parent was; “who is your support system?”...
This parent replied enthusiastically and spoke of a couple that he just met 8 months ago and who is also going through the adoption process for the first time. He spoke of their common beliefs, dreams and goals for their parenting. He then suggested that perhaps he should look outside this friendship, outside this comfort zone.
I have seen far too many parents and families crumble under these sorts of misguided, well intentioned support systems. Friends are great, relationships created through adoption can be very strong and rewarding, but it is not necessarily healthy. It is almost like the blind leading the blind.
Here are some points to consider:
- Reach out and exercise all options to create a strong support system of parents that have been parents for at least 10 years to at least 2 children, adopted or biological. These experienced parents have been through a lot, and can offer a lot of advice and food for thought.
- Take the amount of time that your home study requires for attachment and times that time by at least 12. There are many therories, therapies, research, personal stories and associations that can offer a wealth of information. Don’t assume you “get it” after 3 hours of work, assume you don’t get it and will never get it, you will just be better prepared.
- Don’t create a strong support system within your extended family. I know this may sound a bit odd, but unless your parent, aunt, sister, brother are living with you – they will most likely not understand what you are going through. They will not see the quirks, tempers, withdrawal. By ignorance, they may judge, question, tell you how to parent a RADlet (while they don’t even know your child is a RADlet)...or worse, believe that RADlet’s exist.
- Talk to many individuals who have been through this. Talk to someone who has been orphaned and adopted. This insight may be the most valuable input you will ever receive.
- Surf adoptees message boards – read and understand how an adoptee feels. Understand there is a huge different between a domestically and internationally adopted child.
- Educate yourself on the common health problems these orphaned children face. I have seen too many children diagnosed too late with Fetal Alchohol Syndrome, ADHD, severe physical and mental development delay. These problems go under the radar until the child is in your home.
The most significant point to consider is just because your child is in your home does not mean the education should stop. Keep your mind sharp and prepared with this knowledge. You will need it sooner than later.
