Photo courtesy of: IMDB

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I’m sure that is a question you don’t hear every day?!

Yes, what can I say – there truly is a theory from Dr. Per Smiseth (Biologist) who studied a species of beetle that have found the parents instinctively favor the oldest offspring.

“The burying beetle Nicrophorus vespilloides has a similar family structure to that of a human family unit in that there are two parents, a number of offspring and interactions between parents and their young,” said Dr Per Smiseth, who led the research in the University.

With that said, I will run with the theory that individuals who parent openly with favour are as mentally limited as this beetle – ahah, ok may not. I will be stating the obvious when I say parenting with favour can be incredibly damaging for all parties. It is incredibly damaging for the unfavoured child, and skewing reality and expectations for the favoured sibling. I remember having a conversation with a colleague a few years back and he did in fact state that one of his daughters was his favourite, and also an accident! I remember reacting in shock and I think I raised my voice at him in the restaurant! However, with looking back, perhaps the first step is recognizing that you in fact have a problem.

Currently, I know this one parent who is very blind to his own favouritism (out right denies it). However everyone around him, spouse, friends, family, nanny’s and the unfavoured child see this clear as day. In a recent fight with his spouse, he said that he should take his favourite child and his wife takes the unfavoured. Shame on him!!!

Let’s explore the effects on the unfavoured child;

1.      If the child is adopted / traumatized and assumed as the unfavoured child, it will compound feelings of worthlessness; low self esteem and foster great hostility between the child and parent.

2.      Create issues for the sibling relationship.

3.      The favouring parent will create a lack of respect and alienation for themselves within their circle of family and friends. Family and friends will find it undesirable to be around the said parent.

4.      The unfavoured child will instinctly not attach to the said parent. The parent will prove to the child that they are not safe and trusting to love.

Above and beyond biology and genetics, let’s get real and agree that although we may instinctly lean towards a certain child – the preference should never be apparent. I believe that many parents don’t even see their actions and pain they cause their children.

How can someone recognize that they are in fact creature of playing favourites? Perhaps it would stem from their issues:

- Lack of maturity

- Lack of mental stability, including mental illness

- Selfishness

- Lack of parenting skills and experience

- Lack of basic psychology knowledge

- Abundance of ignorance

- Lack of personal awareness

- Low emotional intelligence

- Issues from their own childhood, including skewed belief system

- Recognizes their own faults and undesirable traits through the child (and does not like the reflection)

- Genetically related to the beetle?

I am incredibly embarrassed to say that I have recently been on the Facebook bandwagon. It all started quite innocently as I am planning my 15 year high school reunion for 2010.

For those that don’t know, Facebook is a social networking site that was originally founded for US high school and university students. Facebook opened its doors to the public in 2006 and now has over 50 million users. Yes, I am sure you are thinking, what would I be doing on a site designed for high school students. Yes, now that I am out of the fog and hype, I too am asking the same thing. In fact, I am asking that of all of the 50 million users. However, it is so popular that even 40 or 50 year olds have profiles on there.

My main reason why I quit was quite simple. It is a time waster; immature; isolating; fake and more importantly I realized that my true, old fashioned and healthy communication was taking the backseat while I quickly (and lazily or conveniently) posted a note on a person’s wall. I was doing this on my isolating computer alone. Not to mention, I was forming a virtual identity that really means nothing. I have an identity, so why do I need this elusive virtual search and broadcast to strangers?

Then, I suggested to myself that perhaps it is doing damage and that it is an unhealthy substitute of communication and it was limiting true connection and deep relationships. I saw the correlation of attachment issues and traditional relationship formation and how this would be most serious and dangerous for those with attachment issues, and yes, myself included.

I believe that the identities people portray in social networking are often meaningless and shallow. People can all too easily pretend to be something they are not. The relationships they form with other people, as a result, are shallow: they generally do not amount to much.

I thought of Nancy Ashe who spoke at the ATN conference last year noted that the internet and her computer is her “friend” and that she hides behind it. She finds comfort in its controlled neutral ness and primarily keeps in touch with her family and friends through her box on her desk. She writes sticky notes on her computer to remind her to email her loved ones; ask people how they are doing and to send an email for a birthday. Perhaps that sounds normal in this day and age, but let’s get real. It is not healthy. There needs to be balance. I will say that at least Nancy keeps in touch with her family and friends. That is a start.

I will also say that I too have issues with this, and perhaps that is why I am keener to recognize and stop my Facebook affair. I will be the first to admit that I would rather send an email than call to introduce myself or talk about an issue. I have come a long way and I am continually working on this.

I am sad to believe that many Radlets will be stunting their personal growth and relationship skills by sitting behind a computer, playing a fake role. I also know that the fakeness the virtual world supports will compound many superficial tendencies and poor peer relationships that Radlets struggle with. Acting out in this superficial manner regularly would easily damage personal growth. Additionally, the Radlet would be encouraged to easily engage in more nonsensical lying; affection towards stranger and theatrical displays of emotions.

I sincerely hope that parents will recognize that this may have detrimental effects on their attachment challenged child or teenager and curb their social computer time. That of course is easier said than done; perhaps you’ll need to remind your child of the telephone invention and good old fashioned face time.