JANET'S BLOG
Welcome to my world! This is a candid view into the intimate and delicate facets of my orphaned life. These experiences stemming from my abandonment; permanent biological disconnection; drugged institutionalization and adoption may haunt me at times, but they also humbly empower and rejuvenate my soul. Enjoy the read and hug your family!
I welcome your feedback and participation - drop me a line anytime: janet@keallfoundation.com
Mother's Day
Category : Birthdays & Holidays
Photo by: Annie Leibovitz
With Mother’s Day almost here, I find myself in conflict. I spoil my mother with gifts, give a card and usually see her for hugs. It’s a day I genuinely look forward to show my mother (adoptive) how much I care and appreciate her. On the other hand, I find myself thinking about my biological mother. I wonder if she is thinking of me and what she is doing. I wonder so much this day; I wonder what she looks like; what her voice sounds like; I wonder if she has bad vision like me; I wonder if she has other children. ..then of course I wonder about my siblings. I wonder if I have met her, met any siblings or other family. I find myself staring at families and remarking on the physical similarities. I find myself trying to guess what she is thinking of and perceives of this day. I shared one mother’s day in her womb, and missed out on the last 31. I appreciate the life my mother has given me and I suppose that is just something I will quietly thank her for.
Celebration Of Life
Category : Birthdays & Holidays
As many parents, loved ones and other abandoned individuals know, celebrating a birthday can be a tad tricky. In a negative, but very real way, a birthday symbolizes the day that the biological connection was ceased and can be responded to in the same manner as a death.
Many parents struggle with their children misbehaving on this day, everything from tantrums, anxiety, confusion, depression, withdrawal and anger. Of course many parents naturally force their child to celebrate, and who blames them? The parents and loved ones of these children have a natural need to celebrate their child’s life.
I have personally struggled with my birthday celebrations as a child, sometimes I did act out, but most of the time I was numb, quietly sucked it up and didn’t say anything. However, once I got older, I demanded that I didn’t get a cake, or didn’t get a party. My mother still got me a cake and took me out shopping (I am glad she did). As the years passed, I have tried to avoid this day like the plague, but now with my children, I do somberly celebrate with a little cake and presents. Naturally I know that they want to celebrate this day, and so I suck it up for them.
I was at a glamorous, catered party in West Vancouver a few weeks ago. The birthday girl was stunning. She was absolutely glowing and basking in the love and attention of her family and friends. As she delivered her speech, I felt sadness come over me, and besides the fact that birthdays are triggers for me, I knew why instantly: As I stared at the birthday girl, I thought to myself; wow, how amazing it is for this woman to be celebrating her birthday! And then I realized - she wasn’t just celebrating her birth on a specific day – she was celebrating her life!
With an instant feeling of knots in my stomach and holding back the tears, I realized that this was the point I have been missing out on. I finally realized the important of a birthday and separating the birth from the life I live today.
So, within these last few weeks, I have been toying with the idea of having a huge birthday party this year with all of my friends and family. I figure that the last large birthday party I had was at 11, and this year I’ll be turning 31 – I know that 2 decades of depreciating my existence must stop.
Last night I celebrated a dear friend’s birthday, and she truly means a lot to me. I confided in her that I have been pondering the idea of celebrating my birthday this year. She was quite excited and then repeated the very words that I recently figured out. She told me that my birthday is to celebrate ME, not a sad day that I was abandoned on. It brought tears to my eyes as I knew she was right, I just need to figure out how to manage my trigger so I don’t shoot myself.
Hope
Category : Birthdays & Holidays
(My son just minutes after he was born).
I found myself at the Bowring store on Saturday with my eldest son. We were looking through the Christmas decorations and I found a very interesting decoration. It was a jeweled encrusted word “Hope”.
For those that don’t know, my first name was Bonnie Vanessa Hope. Apparently, the nurses at the hospital gave me this name. The word, or rather name is quite common for abandoned babies. Many orphans are given this last name, and even orphanages are frequently named with this word.
My son looked at me concerned, and he said “oooh, mom, that’s your name right? I mean, your first name right?” I answered quietly “yes.” He then replied, “oh well, we shouldn’t get this since it will make you too sad.” I agree and we moved on.
I went on with my day, but later I thought about this more. Where is the line that we draw on the uncomfortable feelings and embracing this with a positive outlook?
I don’t think there is a clear answer. Every situation is different, timing is different and the point in a person’s life is different. I suppose for me, it is Christmas, which is a stressful time (good stress is still stress), and I’ll admit that I have always felt sadness at this time of year.
Do I need a trigger hanging on my Christmas tree? Do I need this name taunting me as I walk by? No.
Should I embrace this word as something to empower me and remind of what I have today? Well, perhaps that’s a novel idea, but for the season, I will tuck that away and keep my virgin, untainted tree just the way it is.
Traditions Are Meant To Be Kept.
Category : Birthdays & Holidays
This time of year can be particularly overwhelming and challenging for the families. Meltdowns are certain. Hyperactivity can be the norm, or a distant and detached frowning child. Either way, consider evaporating these situations with traditions. The more set traditions you have, the easier your holidays may be.
Here are some simple ideas to consider, and keep in mind that a tradition can only be if your family commits to doing this each and every year. Radlet’s love a controlled, steady and predictable environment. Setting up your child for anything less causes more stress and anxiety than needed.
Having these said traditions will give the child some normalcy to the riot of santa, presents and visitors, and may bring a bonding component to the family.
1. Take a family photo
2. Visit Santa
3. Find an easy cookie recipe and make them together
4. Do a special activity (my family does the Christmas train ride every year)
5. Make a gingerbread house together
6. Decorate the Christmas tree together
7. Have a Christmas party at the house (inviting the child’s friends) to encourage and test your child’s social skills
8. Have one set place for Christmas dinner each and every year (if that is possible)
9. Have a quiet day at home of relaxation on Christmas Eve and Boxing Day
10. If you are religious, choose one set day/time each year to visit the church i.e. Christmas Eve
11. Create a sense of belonging and ownership to the family by taking your child out to choose their gifts for your husband/wife and siblings. This may be a strenuous activity, but again, keep it light and fun and don’t do an 8 hour shopping marathon! Also, try to do the shopping early so your child feels prepared and you forego the crazy crowds at the mall
12. Give your child one special chore to do in relation to Christmas decorating
13. Create or buy an ornament for each year for each child (with the date written on the back)
14. Create a tradition with the parent who is typically not the main caregiver (this is typically dad). This will be paramount for creating a stronger bond
15. Make santa’s snack together and have the child intimately involved in cutting carrots, putting cookies out etc.
The night before Christmas, or before a big family get together, explain exactly what is going to happen at the event. Explain who is going to be there, where you are going and how long you will stay. Keep it positive and bring some quiet activity for the child to do.
Try not to travel at Christmas time. It is already such an overwhelming event, that it may push the limits too far for your child. If you can vacation at another time, you may as well save yourself the possible grief.
Some families choose this time to teach and show respect for their child’s native home. I do applaud this idea, but it has to be done delicately. Watch out for warning signs of your child feeling overwhelmed; overly excited or anxious. Also keep in mind that just because your child may come from China, it is not a reason to serve an Asian meal. Keep it true to your families traditions. You want to honor their background, but not confuse or create additional anxiety.
As an adult “radlet”myself, I absolutely adhere and enjoy my families traditions. We always do the Christmas train, at least a few days before Christmas. On Christmas Eve, we go to breakfast or brunch in suits and dresses at the fanciest restaurant open; we decorate the Christmas tree together (and I re-arrange my children’s ornaments later without them noticing); we buy a gift for a sick child at the children’s hospital and deliver it on Christmas day to remind us to be thankful for our good health. On Christmas Eve my boys get one gift each (a tradition I carry from my childhood), and each year they receive pajamas. On Christmas Day, I go to my parent’s house for a big Christmas dinner. I never travel at Christmas. It is far too special to bail out on family and yes, my strict traditions.
My 30th Birthday
Category : Birthdays & Holidays
So, today is the day I think I was born. Tonight actually is probably the best guess – based on my newspaper articles. I think I was abandoned early in the morning on the 14th and believed to be a few hours old.
My children gave me presents and a cake. It was very sweet to see them care, but truth be told, I don’t want to “celebrate”. I obviously have the sense to understand why they want to celebrate my birthday, and I appreciate that they made such an effort. I receive it with smiles and hugs, but deep down I am in pain and not connected.
I don’t feel happy, and I am unsure if it’s even my birth date to begin with. So…I pretend and go with my day in my numb and withdrawn body.
I went shopping, surfed the net and played with my boys to pass the time and distract myself from reality. I haven’t cried yet, but I suppose the day is not over.
The day will fade and I will get happier with the days to come, but for today, I’m in the dark zone.
My Trigger...
Category : Birthdays & Holidays
Ok, call me crazy, but a jug of milk triggered me this morning.
As I was getting milk for my son’s cereal this morning, I see this bright red expiry date flashing before my eyes: OCT 13
October 13th is my birthday, or as far as we all know. I don't celebrate my birthday as in having a party, or having ample people acknowledging my day, but I do have a little something at home with my children.
They want to celebrate my life, and on an intellectual level, I should want the same thing. In some way, I want to want it, but I just can't get over the trauma of that one specific day. However, on a primal level, I don't want to celebrate and don’t see this day as a celebration. I see this day as a negative thing. I see this day as a parting of my biological connection. It is an anniversary of sorts, like a death. This day typically feels heavy, sad and leaves me withdrawn and speechless. I have many people around me who see it differently, and of course they would. I expect them to – they luckily have never walked in these shoes.
However, my birthday is a trigger – in fact the days leading up to this “anniversary” is a trigger too. How can I get over this? Or perhaps this is something I may never resolve. Perhaps that I need to resolve that I will never resolve it.
Most people associate closure to the remedy, and well, I am unsure of that. Even if I had closure, it would still be a painful day – a reminder that my biological’s left me. I suppose I will never fully get over that, but I have accepted and acknowledged it – and that is half the battle. Just have to make sure I don’t spill my milk this 13th !
