I spoke with a pre-adoptive parent today who is 2 months away from gotcha day. It is their first child. One of my first questions for this parent was; “who is your support system?”...

This parent replied enthusiastically and spoke of a couple that he just met 8 months ago and who is also going through the adoption process for the first time.  He spoke of their common beliefs, dreams and goals for their parenting. He then suggested that perhaps he should look outside this friendship, outside this comfort zone.

I have seen far too many parents and families crumble under these sorts of misguided, well intentioned support systems. Friends are great, relationships created through adoption can be very strong and rewarding, but it is not necessarily healthy. It is almost like the blind leading the blind.

Here are some points to consider:

-    Reach out and exercise all options to create a strong support system of parents that have been parents for at least 10 years to at least 2 children, adopted or biological. These experienced parents have been through a lot, and can offer a lot of advice and food for thought.

-    Take the amount of time that your home study requires for attachment and times that time by at least 12. There are many therories, therapies, research, personal stories and associations that can offer a wealth of information. Don’t assume you “get it” after 3 hours of work, assume you don’t get it and will never get it, you will just be better prepared.

-    Don’t create a strong support system within your extended family. I know this may sound a bit odd, but unless your parent, aunt, sister, brother are living with you – they will most likely not understand what you are going through. They will not see the quirks, tempers, withdrawal. By ignorance, they may judge, question, tell you how to parent a RADlet (while they don’t even know your child is a RADlet)...or worse, believe that RADlet’s exist.

-    Talk to many individuals who have been through this. Talk to someone who has been orphaned and adopted. This insight may be the most valuable input you will ever receive.

-    Surf adoptees message boards – read and understand how an adoptee feels. Understand there is a huge different between a domestically and internationally adopted child.

-    Educate yourself on the common health problems these orphaned children face. I have seen too many children diagnosed too late with Fetal Alchohol Syndrome, ADHD, severe physical and mental development delay. These problems go under the radar until the child is in your home.

The most significant point to consider is just because your child is in your home does not mean the education should stop. Keep your mind sharp and prepared with this knowledge. You will need it sooner than later.

A life book is a great way to teach your child their story and show respect for their past and biological connection. It is a powerful exercise that assists with the bonding and attachment process between you and your child. It truly is such a powerful tool, that I believe all adoptees would want this as a child.

The photos in this entry are of my actual life book. I made that 4 years ago during my search. It was a very powerful project for me to do, but I suppose the underlying tone is that I did this so late in my life, and I did it alone.

A life book is something that you can start the moment you receive information on your child. Every photo, quote or piece of information is golden, and as such you should treat it that way.

I recommend that you start an official book in a scrap book format and take the time to make it colourful and visually appealing to your child. There are websites that give ideas and inspiration…try: www.scrapandtell.com

Michael's Arts and Crafts also does regular in-person scrapbooking workshops.

You should document all major milestones, from your adoption paperwork, photos of significant days including meeting your child for the first time, airplane ride, entering your home for the first time and medical information. Additionally, any paper work relating to your child’s orphanage or foster care experience, or feedback or quotes from the caretakers should be documented. Keep in mind that all minute details such as how many other children were in the orphanage, or address of the foster care home is very important to document. Do not decide for your child on the details that they should know.

In the case that you have very little information relating to your child, then try to be creative and document information on your child’s country of origin or worldly facts that were happening in the time frame your child was born.

Do not trust yourself and think you will remember everything. There is no way during an emotional adoption experience that you will. So, document it clearly and accurately and find an appealing way to make this sacred life book for your child.

Once your child has been in your care for at least a few years, take on a project for your child to make their own. Photocopy the originals, facts and quotes and help your child create a life book that your child will solely possess. The importance of photocopies can not be stressed enough as your child may have moments in their life where anger can be so prominent that they will endeavor to destroy or subconsciously hide this book.

I also recommend a back up file with photocopies in case this may go missing. If you have the option of a safety deposit box, or out of home storage – you should also consider putting photocopies there. Keep in mind that there is little forgiveness from the adoptee in the case anything may go missing.

For more information, try these links:

www.lifebooksource.com

www.adoptionlifebooks.com

www.thedreamkidz.com

Many adoptive parents struggle and fear the day when they sit down with their child and tell them the truth of their story. Although this seems like a big mountain to climb, consider this as something that doesn’t and shouldn’t happen on one big momentous day.

Choosing to open up with your child is something that must be fostered from an early age. Talking about the story should happen early and often. However, many ask me, how do I do this?

This process starts the moment you take your child home. Keep in mind that this is a new relationship for the both of you. It will take time for your child to trust and accept you as their permanent caregiver. However, you can still incorporate their story into little things in your day. The sooner you open up the truth, the better for the both of you and your family. Talk about the airplane in the sky and how your child rode that home. Talk about certain foods that come from the child’s country of origin.

Rehearse a formal story with your spouse or another significant family member. If you can’t (or if it feels too odd), rehearse in front of the mirror. Look at your body language. Hear your tone. Analyze the words you choose. Think love; comfort; ease of flow of language. Then think smiles; hugs; love with gentle touching and eye contact.

Think of your child’s ethnic and cultural background (if you know), and biological history that remains uniquely their own. What makes your child so special and unique? Tell your child in their story.

A good way to introduce the story is to tell the story in a fairy tale way. i.e. Once upon a time, there was this mommy and daddy (Richard and Lisa) and they wanted to have a wonderful son/daughter like you…(etc., etc.,) Keep the facts clear, true and factual. Ensure the story is consistent with your spouse and/or other key family members. These details should never change over the course of their life. Not only will this capture your child’s attention and imagination, but it will prompt questions. Be prepared for questions. Again, rehearse if necessary. The most common questions will be; “Why was I left?” “Do you know who my mommy is?” “Does my mommy love me?” Although this may crush your heart to hear these questions, keep in mind that this is normal. This is your child’s reality and any question they may have is valid and should not be discounted.

No matter what the questions are, stay positive and keep it age appropriate. In time, this story will become ordinary and/or boring to the child, and that is good. The more commonplace the story is, the easier it is for the child to move on and enjoy their childhood.

As time goes by, your child’s maturity and appetite for the story will change and will need to evolve. The “Once Upon a Time” story will need to be shelved and revamped into a matter of fact sequence of events. With different ages, comes different and more sophisticated questions. Be prepared and stay positive! And remember, at no age whatsoever does your child need to hear gory details that they were “left for dead”. Honesty is key, but damaging details need to be carefully weighed.

Your child may look to you for answers and will naturally expect you to have them. However, some of these questions can never be answered. Be realistic, honest and down to earth. If you don’t know, then let your child down gently and tell them that fact. They will respect your honesty and will feel your respect for their story. When it comes to the child’s story and their reaction and feelings, do not pretend you know it all. Do not give the child the false expectation that you have the answers. Your child will figure this out in time and this “knowing attitude” will easily alienate your relationship.

Also keep in mind that when you speak of the child’s story, you are bringing up the trauma. This is healing and healthy to do so, but depending on certain times in your child’s life – this can also be a silent blow to the confidence and can make your child feel uncertain. To combat these feelings, reaffirm your love to the child and their special role in your heart and family. Remind the child each time why they are so unique, smart, kind etc. Your child will eat it up and may feel better because of it!

It's not easy to walk the fine line between bringing it up too often or not often enough, between asking too many or too few questions about the child's feelings. However, your child does need to know that it’s ok to talk about it, so be sure to literally remind them of this fact. Take cues from your child and consider why abandoned children don’t communicate to their parents:

1. The child wants to avoid the pain and pretend it didn’t happen to them. They want to feel “normal like everyone else”

2. They sense and/or feel it's uncomfortable

3. They don’t feel a connection with the parent

4. They hear negative words and/or tones in the story

5. Parents try to direct and own the story

6. There is a negative reaction to bringing it up

7. Parents don't communicate, so the child follows

8. Overkill - parents talk about it all the time

9. Parents are negative towards the biological parents