Photo by: Robert Karpa for Chatelaine photoshoot

Prince Rupert is holding their large homecoming event next May. I have been to the homecoming before, and up to a month ago, I was excited. I was going to speak, make my rounds and visit my “Prince Rupert Aunties”.

With the time nearing to book my flight on points, I have no interest or excitement. This time around, it seems like I am emotionally forcing myself to do it. I feel like a child on the verge of my own self-inflicted tantrum digging her heels in and saying NO! So, I would only suppose I should listen to myself?  I thought of brining my lovely friend Brenda (of whom I have told her I will bring her and show her my spot, orphanage etc.), but I’m afraid darling, I don’t have it in me. It feels like I am deflated from my own story.

This stubbornness and underwhelming feelings do not surprise me, but what surprises me is a lack of wanting to be involved in my community that forever changed my life. At this time it feels eerie and uncomfortable. Perhaps for those reasons I should adjust to the "clock" and go, but I don't have any words of wisdom right now.

I don’t know what I will decide by May, but I am thinking it won’t change. I look forward to visiting on my clock with my youngest son to show him where it all began. In the meantime, I am watching my clock and guiding my emotions...my way, and ofcourse in control.