I spoke with a pre-adoptive parent today who is 2 months away from gotcha day. It is their first child. One of my first questions for this parent was; “who is your support system?”...

This parent replied enthusiastically and spoke of a couple that he just met 8 months ago and who is also going through the adoption process for the first time.  He spoke of their common beliefs, dreams and goals for their parenting. He then suggested that perhaps he should look outside this friendship, outside this comfort zone.

I have seen far too many parents and families crumble under these sorts of misguided, well intentioned support systems. Friends are great, relationships created through adoption can be very strong and rewarding, but it is not necessarily healthy. It is almost like the blind leading the blind.

Here are some points to consider:

-    Reach out and exercise all options to create a strong support system of parents that have been parents for at least 10 years to at least 2 children, adopted or biological. These experienced parents have been through a lot, and can offer a lot of advice and food for thought.

-    Take the amount of time that your home study requires for attachment and times that time by at least 12. There are many therories, therapies, research, personal stories and associations that can offer a wealth of information. Don’t assume you “get it” after 3 hours of work, assume you don’t get it and will never get it, you will just be better prepared.

-    Don’t create a strong support system within your extended family. I know this may sound a bit odd, but unless your parent, aunt, sister, brother are living with you – they will most likely not understand what you are going through. They will not see the quirks, tempers, withdrawal. By ignorance, they may judge, question, tell you how to parent a RADlet (while they don’t even know your child is a RADlet)...or worse, believe that RADlet’s exist.

-    Talk to many individuals who have been through this. Talk to someone who has been orphaned and adopted. This insight may be the most valuable input you will ever receive.

-    Surf adoptees message boards – read and understand how an adoptee feels. Understand there is a huge different between a domestically and internationally adopted child.

-    Educate yourself on the common health problems these orphaned children face. I have seen too many children diagnosed too late with Fetal Alchohol Syndrome, ADHD, severe physical and mental development delay. These problems go under the radar until the child is in your home.

The most significant point to consider is just because your child is in your home does not mean the education should stop. Keep your mind sharp and prepared with this knowledge. You will need it sooner than later.

Child Photo courtesy of www.cazanesti.atspace.org


Warning: This post may not be suitable for all readers due to grim content.


As many know, Moldova is a one of the very poorest countries in Europe and has a large foreign debt and high unemployment. Due to poverty, illness, death and abuse, the orphan rate only continues to climb, with unfortunate results.

One thing that is somewhat misleading about the orphan population is that many of the "orphans" still have families but their relatives do not have enough money to take care of the children so they go away to the orphanage as a sort of "boarding school."
 
Approximately 50% of the children ranging from 7 to 17 in orphanages are claimed by no one. They are abandoned and alone. The Transnistrian authorities do not permit adoptions unless the child is very ill.

According to the UNICEF Moldova representative, Ray Virgilio Torres “Statistic data shows that 40 per cent of children were subject to physical abuse, and 8 per cent are subject to sexual abuse. In many cases violence against children in applied repeatedly”, stated Torres.

Besides the physical and sexual abuse, is the concern for quality of education and life skills. The UN has tried stepping in many times with suggestions for education and teaching the children future life skills, but I don’t think it has been very successful. These orphanages are typically in the countryside, far away. For that reason, I believe they think they are immune to any major demands to improve the quality of education. They believe no one is watching, the children are surviving, so all is well.

To add fuel to the fire, the conditions of Eastern European orphanages are poor, unhygienic and do not typically provide a loving and success-minded atmosphere for these young babies or children to grow into full fledged functioning adults.

It kills my heart at times to hear that no only do these children have a fighting start, but they truly fight to the finish in these types of conditions, which leads me to a problem happening in Moldova for the last few years. As these young women age out, around the age of 16 or 17, they are preyed upon, or perhaps unknowingly waited for.
Turkish Mafia in Moldova entered into an agreement with a director of a particular village orphanage in the country. As part of this agreement, the mafia rented multiple rooms at a nearby hotel to carry out their sinister plan.

Their plan unfolds as Mafia men sit in vans that park curbside, waiting to snatch up the departing teenager. What they do to this vulnerable and already traumatized and unprepared child is utterly unspeakable.

Girls departing the orphanage or girls just “taken” from the orphanage are taken to the hotel and raped over and over, each and every day. They wanted to impregnate them, confine them for 9 months and then once the baby was born, she would never see the baby again. The baby would not live long; they used its body for organs. All of this done for money, at the expense of a “worthless” orphan.

I am speechless with this story, and know that no matter how sinister it sounds, there are other and more sinister stories taking place today, or in the works. Orphans in Eastern Europe are seen as weak and easy prey. Unfortunately as well, the Orphanage Directors can easily choose to do little to protect their children as (I think) they are desensitized and when offered money, they would accept for the better good of their own personal lifestyle or that of the orphanage.