JANET'S BLOG
Welcome to my world! This is a candid view into the intimate and delicate facets of my orphaned life. These experiences stemming from my abandonment; permanent biological disconnection; drugged institutionalization and adoption may haunt me at times, but they also humbly empower and rejuvenate my soul. Enjoy the read and hug your family!
I welcome your feedback and participation - drop me a line anytime: janet@keallfoundation.com
Mother's Day Posted On : 2009-05-09 16:23:56
Category : Birthdays & Holidays
Photo by: Annie Leibovitz
With Mother’s Day almost here, I find myself in conflict. I spoil my mother with gifts, give a card and usually see her for hugs. It’s a day I genuinely look forward to show my mother (adoptive) how much I care and appreciate her.
On the other hand, I find myself thinking about my biological mother. I wonder if she is thinking of me and what she is doing. I wonder so much this day; I wonder what she looks like; what her voice sounds like; I wonder if she has bad vision like me; I wonder if she has other children. ..then of course I wonder about my siblings. I wonder if I have met her, met any siblings or other family.
I find myself staring at families and remarking on the physical similarities.
I find myself trying to guess what she is thinking of and perceives of this day. I shared one mother’s day in her womb, and missed out on the last 31. I appreciate the life my mother has given me and I suppose that is just something I will quietly thank her for.
Twenty Things Adopted Kids Wish Their Adoptive Parents Knew - Written By Sherrie Eldridge Posted On : 2009-04-22 10:33:45
Category : Support
This book is an “oldie”, published 10 years ago (haha), but I still highly recommend this book to pre and post adoptive parents. It speaks of the true pain, trauma and much needed respect that adoptees need.
For a teaser, here are the 20 things:
1. I suffered a profound loss before I was adopted. You are not responsible.
2. I need to be taught that I have special needs arising from adoption loss, of which I need not be ashamed.
3. If I don't grieve my loss, my ability to receive love from you and others will be hindered.
4. My unresolved grief may surface in anger toward you.
5. I need your help in grieving my loss. Teach me how to get in touch with my feelings about my adoption and then validate them.
6. Just because I don't talk about my birth family doesn't mean I don't think about them.
7. I want you to take the initiative in opening convesations about my birth family.
8. I need to know the truth about my conception, birth, and family history, no matter how painful the details may be.
9. I am afraid I was "given away" by my birth mother because I was a bad baby. I need you to help me dump my toxic shame.
10. I am afraid you will abandon me.
11. I may appear more "whole" than I actually am. I need your help to uncover the parts of myself that I keep hidden so I can integrate all the elements of my identity.
12. I need to gain a sense of personal power.
13. Please don't say I look or act just like you. I need you to acknowledge and celebrate our differences.
14. Let me be my own person...but don't let me cut myself off from you.
15. Please respect my privacy regarding my adoption. Don't tell other people without my consent.
16. Birthdays may be difficult for me.
17. Not knowing my full medical history can be distressing at times.
18. I am afraid I will be too much for you to handle.
19. When I act out my fears in obnoxious ways, please hand in there with me, and respond wisely.
20. Even if I decide to search for my birth family, I will always want you to be my parents.
Now, go out and buy it! I’m sure you will read it time and time again.
(If you can't buy it in the bookstore, you can order it online at amazon.ca/com).
Giving Respect And Privacy When It’s Due. Posted On : 2009-04-21 15:06:01
Category : The System
Photo courtesy of CBC
When I read headlines such as: “Parents of abandoned baby Angelica Leslie sentenced, released” and then read on the details about this poor girl’s close fate with death I simply cringe.
Why, do we – the public, need to know details such as bruising and scratches on her face and other sad details relating to this very traumatic and personal event? Yes, the parents should and have been held accountable, but then I think of this precious baby girl who will soon read this as she searches through the internet when she turns of age.
Many years ago as I sat at the Vancouver library going through the microfiche, I dreaded the notion of finding out that the public knew more details of my abandonment than I did. I held my breath in anticipation with that very awkward and painful thought.
Again I ask why the public needs to know these details? Why does "Mr. Smith" need to know if the child was naked, bruise, tortured etc…? He doesn't, nobody does - except those professionals exploring the case. I know the media is selling papers, but they are reporting based on loose privacy laws.
I would like to see them honor the victims here and keep details quiet and respected. The parents can live with their decisions behind bars, but this child will soon be a free adult feeling the injustice and exploitation soon enough.
Martian Child (2007) - The Perfect Movie For Anyone Who Is Related To An Adopted Child! Posted On : 2009-04-20 20:55:11
Category : Common Issues
Photo courtesy of: IMDB
I watched the Martian Child on the weekend, and although it triggered me greatly (I am triggered by any movie portraying adoptive, dying or missing parents) – it really was a great reminder of the struggles between a traumatized and the normalcy that adoptive parents try to force upon the very unwilling child.
This child (who was previously fostered) was so traumatized that he zoned out of reality and truly believed that he is from Mars and will stay for a short while as he "works" on a short project on Earth. It was his coping mechanism and he depended on it each moment. Funny thing is, when I watched this movie I remembered how I used to think that even I was “dropped from the sky” and perhaps was sent here as a test or even a joke at god’s hands.
It’s amazing to see the power that young childhood trauma has on the victims, and its even more amazing to see the power that adoptive parents can give this victim when they succumb to their distorted reality.
In this movie, the adoptive father tries to change the child and flusters at his umbrella, excessive sunscreen use and martian talk. After a while, the father realizes that this is useless and that all this child wants to feel is power and control. The end of this movie comes to a perfect end; the father rescues the child and tells him that he will love him forever. He will never give him back. They embrace and the boy appears to have instantly snapped out of this martian ways. He has no use for it.
I know this may sound cliche, but there is a lot of truth to this. We all just need to relax and love everything about our children (including the neglect and trauma that they are stumbling through each day).
Pre-Adoptive Parents – Preparing For Your Child. Posted On : 2009-02-21 18:15:06
Category : How-To (Tips and Instructions)
I spoke with a pre-adoptive parent today who is 2 months away from gotcha day. It is their first child. One of my first questions for this parent was; “who is your support system?”...
This parent replied enthusiastically and spoke of a couple that he just met 8 months ago and who is also going through the adoption process for the first time. He spoke of their common beliefs, dreams and goals for their parenting. He then suggested that perhaps he should look outside this friendship, outside this comfort zone.
I have seen far too many parents and families crumble under these sorts of misguided, well intentioned support systems. Friends are great, relationships created through adoption can be very strong and rewarding, but it is not necessarily healthy. It is almost like the blind leading the blind.
Here are some points to consider:
- Reach out and exercise all options to create a strong support system of parents that have been parents for at least 10 years to at least 2 children, adopted or biological. These experienced parents have been through a lot, and can offer a lot of advice and food for thought.
- Take the amount of time that your home study requires for attachment and times that time by at least 12. There are many therories, therapies, research, personal stories and associations that can offer a wealth of information. Don’t assume you “get it” after 3 hours of work, assume you don’t get it and will never get it, you will just be better prepared.
- Don’t create a strong support system within your extended family. I know this may sound a bit odd, but unless your parent, aunt, sister, brother are living with you – they will most likely not understand what you are going through. They will not see the quirks, tempers, withdrawal. By ignorance, they may judge, question, tell you how to parent a RADlet (while they don’t even know your child is a RADlet)...or worse, believe that RADlet’s exist.
- Talk to many individuals who have been through this. Talk to someone who has been orphaned and adopted. This insight may be the most valuable input you will ever receive.
- Surf adoptees message boards – read and understand how an adoptee feels. Understand there is a huge different between a domestically and internationally adopted child.
- Educate yourself on the common health problems these orphaned children face. I have seen too many children diagnosed too late with Fetal Alchohol Syndrome, ADHD, severe physical and mental development delay. These problems go under the radar until the child is in your home.
The most significant point to consider is just because your child is in your home does not mean the education should stop. Keep your mind sharp and prepared with this knowledge. You will need it sooner than later.
Funk Posted On : 2009-02-19 19:23:31
Category : Common Issues
http://postsecret.blogspot.com
I have been in a funk regarding my story for the last few months. I am not sure if I can explain how I am feeling, but generally I feel numb, disconnected to my story and I don’t like dealing with it. Lately, I don’t like to think of it, I don’t want to think that is me. I suppose I am feeling tired that this is my story. That is also why I haven’t been posting regularly.
My youngest son has expressed interest in going up to Prince Rupert (the town I was abandoned at). He is curious to be a part of my story, see where I was abandoned and see the orphanage that I lived in. I genuinely want him to be a part of it and share this experience with him, but I am not feeling strong right now. I suppose the truth behind going up to Prince Rupert would be to file my law suit against Colleen who is holding on to my infant photos. So, instead of booking that trip with him, I booked a Mexican Riviera Cruise – and maybe that is exactly what I need.
I have been invited to speak at conferences again, and not replying. I will reply and accept, I am just not “jumping” on the opportunity, I suppose. I will represent, I will be professional. I know that is what I do desire to do, I just don’t see it right now.
I have realized that I am 31 years old and I still haven’t found any biological information. That has hit me hard lately. I am also extremely upset at the fact that I have to sue a woman who has my infant photos. I have been asking lately “why does it have to be this hard?” I mean, am I too dreamy to think that someday, something surrounding my story will fall on lap with great ease? I find myself often talking about these struggles with tears in my eyes. I haven’t done that for years. I suppose I fooled myself to think that I was past that. Perhaps I need to accept that it’s ok to be connected to my loss, my truth.
Sorry for this venting, it’s not exactly positive, I know. But – it is reality and I know many other people like me think like this, perhaps it is why I can do this in such an open forum. I am not alone – and that counts for something, right?
Getting Back At It. Posted On : 2009-02-09 14:14:58
Category : My Life